Counselling
THERAPEUTIC DISCLOSURE
A process that can be very beneficial for betrayal trauma is therapeutic disclosure. It is a process that has been proven to be beneficial and healing for the addict, partner, and their coupleship.
What is the purpose of a Formal Disclosure session?
This is an opportunity for the addict to directly and truthfully disclose the history of his or her sexual acting out behavior since the inception of the relationship/ inception of the problem. This is prepared by the addict who works closely with his or her own therapist.
Is beneficial as the partner has the right to full disclosure in order to make an informed decision around the next steps to be taken in the marriage or relationship.
A formal disclosure is an important piece when putting together the recovery puzzle. It involves the sex addict and his or her partner meeting with a therapist trained in sex and love addiction issues. It involves each partner receiving help from a qualified therapist and the whole team working together and collaboratively creating a disclosure plan.
In the therapeutic disclosure, both partners have a chance to share their experience, and the partner who betrayed is offered a chance to share their purpose for the disclosure, a structured confession wherein the addict takes full responsibility for everything that he or she has done in the way of acting out sexually. The addict can then be accountable face-to-face with his or her partner. It is also an opportunity for the sex addict to demonstrate genuine remorse and transparency and has two crucial components if the relationship is to continue and for trust to be reestablished.
For the betrayed partner, therapeutic disclosure is an opportunity to ask questions and, after the disclosure, write and share an impact letter.
The final stage is when the addict shares with their partner an amend letter, declaration of boundaries, self-care, and commitment to working on the relationship and the intention to make permanent changes in their life and the benefits it would have in their partnership.
- It would be written in the first person and be written directly for the spouse.
- It would be made to accept full responsibility for the behavior. Clearly stating that they were wrong in engaging in the behaviors.
- Not partner’s fault; makeing it clear that it is/was not the partner’s fault.
- No excuses; focusing on the facts, explaining what they’ve learned about themself’s throughout this process without making any excuses.
- Honesty; Being honest and transparent with themself and their spouse.
- Appropriate detail; In the disclosure letter the major elements of the acting-out behaviors and avoiding the “gory details,” which would just be harmful or unnecessary to the partner.
- Remorse; expressing genuine remorse/apology. Not pushing or asking partners to immediately forgive them, but allowing them time to process and heal in their own time and way.
Note: The Addict may need to be prepared to genuinely apologize many, many times…as many as it takes to rebuild the relationship.
This requires commitment, honesty, and engagement and is recommended if the couple wishes to stay together and work on their relationship.
- Disclosure is recommended only for those who intend to repair and rebuild the relationship. Disclosure is not recommended if either spouse is sick at the time of disclosure.
- Disclosure is not for couples if either party has already visited with a divorce attorney.
- Disclosure is also not recommended when there is potential for physical or emotional violence or abuse.
- It is recommended once both partners feel stable enough and or are not in any active addiction that may cause further damage to the relationship.
Note: Disclosing before the addict is fully ready to make a disclosure (forced disclosure), a partial disclosure, staggered disclosure (multiple small bits of disclosure) and non-disclosure can all be very damaging.
- The frequency of acting out behaviors during the course of your relationship
- The types of acting out behaviors.
- The place(s) where the behaviors occurred (home, motels, strip clubs, car, office, etc.)
- The materials or technology involved (magazines, DVD’s, Internet, etc.)
- The approximate money spent on the behaviors
- The approximate amount of time spent on the behaviors
- The approximate number of times the client was dishonest about his acting out.
The recovering client’s therapist, the recovering client, the spouse or significant other, and the partner’s therapist. Approximately 2-3 hours.
While there is no guarantee that the spouse is being 100% truthful or not. Usually, disclosure is not scheduled unless the recovering client has done at least the first step of therapy and recovery, has broken through his or her denial, and is ready to fully disclose. The therapist monitors this process carefully before scheduling a disclosure. This often takes time depending on the individual.
We at Thrive Beyond Trauma Counseling recommend a polygraph test being administered to help re-create trust, that has been so damaged over years of staggered disclosure and deception.
While you will not receive a copy of the disclosure, your therapist will receive a copy and it is recommended that partner and the therapist goes over the questions and ask clarifying questions if needed and if you may have in a post-disclosure clarification session.
Due to the level of deception inherent in sex addiction, a polygraph with an experienced polygraph examiner familiar with Formal Disclosure is highly recommended, although optional. Polygraph is typically done immediately following disclosure and should be completed as soon as possible.
In the same or next session of Formal disclosure, the sex addict should present his/her sex plan or “inner circle” if the partner doesn’t already know it. The addict should also commit to telling his partner of any “slips” (engaging in any bottom line or inner circle behaviors) within a specific timeframe; typically 24-72 hours.
While there is no guarantee, but generally the combination of Formal Disclosure, polygraph and the sharing of sex plan, and commitment to disclose future acting out behaviors, provides the foundation for the repair of the relationship and the beginnings of rebuilding trust.
Yes, these are the general “rules” around disclosure:
- Have a CSAT therapist that you are working with
- Have a support group that you are connected to
- Arrive on time
- Drive separately from your partner or spouse
- If you feel you need a friend or family member to drive you, please set this up prior to the session
- No interrupting each other or the therapist(s)
- Respect the therapist’s lead and facilitation
- No verbal, emotional or physical violence
- Request a time-out if needed. Or request to stop if you are overwhelmed.
- Arrive sober
- Do not use the disclosure information against the recovering addict in court, with children, family, friends, or co-workers, or in the media
- Do not record or video the disclosure
- Have a safe place and support system to process after disclosure.
Yes, Formal Disclosure is not appropriate when:
- Spouse/Partner is profoundly mentally ill
- Spouse/Partner is dealing with a health emergency
- Spouse/Partner has a history of violence toward recovering
- Domestic Violence present
- Spouse/Partner has threatened to use Formal Disclosure against Sex Addict
- Spouse/Partner has threatened to divorce or take children
- Spouse/Partner or recovering addict are suicidal or homicidal
- Will pose a significant health risk to recovering Sex Addict (as noted in a medical note from doctor)
- Spouse/Partner is on death bed
- Spouse/Partner refuses to seek therapy
- Sex Addict is not in treatment
GROUP - MALE PARTNER BETRAYAL TRAUMA
This group is for MEN who find themselves trapped, overwhelmed, or unsure how to respond to the shock of an intimate partner’s INFIDELITY, addiction, or chronic deceit. It will help you work through the crisis, engagement, confusion, and grief of betrayal.
GROUP-FEMALE PARTNER BETRAYAL TRAUMA
This group is for WOMEN who find themselves trapped, overwhelmed, or unsure how to respond to the shock of an intimate partner’s INFIDELITY, addiction, or chronic deceit.
PORN/SEX ADDICTION
This group is designed to help men who have just begun their sexual addiction recovery & want to better understand what it takes to move beyond addictive bondage to healthy freedom.
TRAUMA GROUP
Trauma can result from stressful exposure to any type of single event or repetitive situation that leaves us feeling stuck with painful feelings and negative beliefs.
WOMEN'S INTIMACY GROUP
What we have uncovered in our experience is Porn and Sex Addiction might look similar for men and women on the outside but presents itself very differently.